To You From Me

To You From Me

 Today, I thought of something I wanted to tell you…and I picked up the phone to call; I almost started dialing when I realized you wouldn’t be picking up. And I thought about all the wasted time I spent not calling you. I thought about all the wasted hours, minutes and seconds not spent telling you how very much I love you. Shame on me for not taking more time to shine God’s light on one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Now I have moments filled with regret.

 I regret not telling you how bright your smile always was…and I pray that you are smiling down on us now. I regret the calls I didn’t make, or the vacations we didn’t take; I wish I could have those moments back. I wonder if you ever knew that when people met you, they couldn’t help but to love you. You had this aura around you; everyone wanted a part of it. You never wanted to be more than who you were; did you ever know that people would give anything to think about themselves that way?

 You could find laughter in everything. Even in illness, or sorrow…I can hear your laughter, even now. I can remember going through so much, being so sad…and you making jokes about everything. Always willing to give and be all that you can…for those whose smiles didn’t come so easily.

 Are you watching us now? Do you see how hard life has become for me? If you are, please know that I know you are in a better place. You don’t have to be in pain, or feel sorrow ever again…I am so thankful for that. But I am over wrought with sadness…my heart feels like it is breaking and re-breaking everyday. Please forgive me for being so weak. Forgive me for not sharing every moment with you…please know that my heart was always in the right place.

 Every once in a while, look down on us, and remind us to laugh at ourselves. Show us how to continue loving ourselves and each other; remind us to find reasons to get out of bed…until finally we do it without thinking about it.

 Finally, our blue eyed angel, give God our undying gratitude. For, even though our hearts are heavy right now, because your stay with us was far too brief…you have left your footprints on our hearts.

And Time Moved On

       

And Time Moved On

Lately I am reflecting a lot on the execution of Troy Davis. I wish I wasn’t…I wish my heart wouldn’t hurt every time I say his name. I wish I had believed that he was ever going to escape lethal injection, I wish I had been let down by the parole/pardon board decision…but I wasn’t. I wasn’t let down because I never had enough faith in our “justice” system, to believe that they would halt the execution. I found even the postponement to be no more than drama that played out worse than a low budget, predictable sci-fi matinee movie. The state of Georgia killed Troy Davis, even though there was serious doubt that he was guilty. I think that the state and the general public just wanted for someone to pay for this heinous crime…and so someone did. Someone paid…I guess to the powers that be, it didn’t matter if Troy was the RIGHT someone. A terrible crime was committed, a police officer was killed…everyone was angry. I can understand anger. I get angry…I get angry when I cannot tell my child that Troy Davis had to pay his debt to society; because I doubt that the debt was his to pay.

  In a moment of irony I found this information:

 In March of 1988, the owner of a lumber yard was brutally killed. He was dragged and beaten with a crow bar, until his face was mutilated and he was eventually shot in the back of the head. This was a particularly gruesome event, even in relaying it I find it to be mentally and visually disturbing. For that, Samuel David Crowe pled guilty and admitted to the crime in its entirety and as a result he was sentenced to death. In 2008, the very same parole/pardon board in Atlanta, Georgia…the very same which rejected Troy Davis’ plea for clemency…commuted Crowe’s sentence to life without parole. And once again the scales tilt, maintaining the only constant that I have found…there is no balance. And still, the world keeps spinning, time doesn’t stop. That is…time for us didn’t stop, because on September 21, 2011 at 11:08pm…Troy Davis’ time ended here on our earth.

 Some wept; some said that it gave them the hope that peace would follow. Some felt justice had been served; others found that especially in this case…there was no justice found.

  For myself, I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt there was another soul that the world cast away. We had another chance to do the right thing and we let it slip through our fingers. I can tell you this much…I do not personally know if Troy Davis shot Mark MacPhail, but I can also say that I do not believe BEYOND a reasonable doubt that the state had cause to execute him either.

 So we take the wound that Officer MacPhail’s murder caused…and pour salt in it by killing Troy Davis. Healing can not happen that way. When we do unto others what they have done to us…it becomes barbaric. It becomes revenge, which just fuels the dark head of hate. So now not one, but two families will grieve. Two families lost a son…but we, as people, lost also. We lost our ability to see people…these were two breathing men, they had blood running through their veins, they had lives, both were important. And then there were none.

 I never met Troy Davis, he never uttered a single word to me…but every day my heart breaks for him. I feel a loss. I feel lost. Once again we allowed our government to decide the fate of another human being. We took a task, which only belongs to our creator, and made it our own. Such a sad event…and yet time keeps moving.

 It is my wish that we end the possibility of more stories like this. We must start cherishing life, and stop feeling like we are cornered into situations. WE must learn to love beyond our limits, think outside of the box; we must stop the violence. Whether it occurs in randomly selected heinous crimes, or in organized, socially acceptable court rooms…we are taking that which was never ours, and destroying it.

 Today, I rose above my tears; I prayed for the families of Mark MacPhail and Troy Davis. I prayed that in some way they will be able to move forward, without hate and resentment. I pray that God will make things easier for them. And I pray for all of us, life is precious…we should stop wasting it.